The “Love is Blind” reunion was hotter than a microwave burrito at 3 a.m. You know, the kind that’s still frozen in the middle but scalding on the outside? Yeah, that’s the level of drama we’re talking about.

For those of you who’ve been living under a rock (or binge-watching reruns of “The Great British Bake Off”), “Love is Blind” is the reality show where contestants date without ever seeing each other. They chat through a wall, fall in love, and then—bam!—they’re engaged. It’s like Tinder meets “The Voice,” with a dash of “Survivor” thrown in for good measure.

So, let’s spill the tea, darlings. Grab your oversized wine glass and prepare to clutch your pearls. Here’s what went down at the reunion:

1. Jessica and Mark: The Age Gap That Could Swallow a Black Hole

Remember Jessica? The one who couldn’t decide if she wanted to marry Mark or adopt him as her pet chihuahua? Well, turns out they secretly dated after the show. But here’s the twist: Jessica was 34, and Mark was 24. That’s a whole decade, folks. It’s like she swiped right on a fetus. But hey, love knows no bounds, right? Unless those bounds are legally questionable.

2. Amber and Barnett: The Couple That Makes You Question Your Life Choices

Amber and Barnett were the couple who made out in the pods like hormonal teenagers. They got married, and now they’re living their best suburban life. But rumor has it that Amber secretly dated Kenny, the guy who got dumped by Kelly. It’s like a tangled web of love triangles, and I’m here for it. Amber, Barnett, Kenny—sounds like a law firm that specializes in messy divorces.

3. Giannina and Damian: The On-Again, Off-Again Rollercoaster

Giannina and Damian were the Ross and Rachel of the show. They broke up at the altar, then got back together, then broke up again. It’s like they were playing relationship bingo. But guess what? They secretly dated post-show. Apparently, their love language is “confusing as hell.” I hear their first date involved a PowerPoint presentation titled “Why We Shouldn’t Be Together (But Let’s Make Out Anyway).”

4. Carlton and Diamond: The Bisexual Bombshell

Carlton and Diamond had the most explosive breakup. Carlton dropped the bomb that he’s bisexual, and Diamond was like, “Sayonara, Felicia!” But guess what? They rekindled their friendship off-camera. Now they’re BFFs, sipping mimosas and discussing the patriarchy. It’s like “Mean Girls” meets “Queer Eye.” Can we get a spin-off, please?

5. Kelly and Kenny: The Vanilla Coupl

Kelly and Kenny were the couple who decided to be just friends. But rumor has it they secretly dated after the show. Kenny taught Kelly how to fold fitted sheets, and Kelly taught Kenny how to make a killer avocado toast. It’s the recipe for a perfect relationship: laundry skills and brunch. Move over, Romeo and Juliet.

And there you have it, folks. The “Love is Blind” reunion was messier than a toddler’s finger-painting session. But hey, isn’t that why we watch reality TV? To feel better about our own lives? So grab your remote, pour yourself a glass of boxed wine, and remember: Love may be blind, but it sure as hell isn’t mute.